Ora de peligro, the 11th hour

Today I am grateful for so many things, let me count the ways:

• I am grateful for waking up early ahead of the alarm clock, fully rested. I am grateful for waking up at 3:30AM then at 4:30AM and finally getting up at 5:00AM. In all these instances, I woke up not feeling sleepy at all.

• I am grateful for my dream just before I woke up this morning. It was a dream reaffirming that I am a person who is loved and can be loved. I dreamt of a time way back in my past where it seems I was getting friendly and close with a guy my age then, who seems to be having fun with my company. There were many instances where we would play, at times bordering on the intimate. I am not sure if we did become intimate but now I think we were. Time passed and later on he was beginning to realize that he wanted me for more than companionship. However, I believe he was not ready to admit that until we saw each other in a gathering place. This time, I was already in a relationship with Be who is himself in my dream. Be wrote a short love note on a small piece of paper in his usual esperanto. I got the piece of paper and read it, a smile forming on my lips. Then my other guy came, I think the scene should probably be in highschool because all of us were boys in uniform. I didn't know he was there and he grabbed the little note. Then I saw his beautiful manly face change, lose its life and light, turning sad and dark while looking at me so lovingly. How I wish I could tell him to stop feeling that way, that we could remain as we are, but I couldn't drop my Be who I love. It was not a nice feeling I had right after. I squatted down or sat down on a chair and was slowly shaking my head from side to side. Then I saw PHD standing looking at me while talking to another schoolmate. I gave PHD with a forlorn look to my eyes and I heard him say, ganyan talaga, mahirap minsan di mo maiiwasan magmahal ng higit sa isa. Then I woke up.

• I am grateful for waking up early that allowed me to water the plants. The temperature was balmy for an early morning. It was a bit cool yet the wind was warm. As I was watering the plants in front of the house, the wind turned up a bit and in the air was the scent of something homey, pleasurable and warm. It was like warm honey was in the air, it was warmly intoxicating, eliciting a very pleasant reaction. It was so lovely for all the memories it tried to evoke: my lola adang gardening, golden afternoons at NDM while I was in elementary, rainy afternoons during my prep year at NDM during which the air cools but the air inside the rooms are quite warm. I am grateful that despite my having no money and no work at all, I realize that the time I just spent and the feelings I had or went through are something I couldn't have had or even noticed if I was still living my past life.
• I am grateful for having spent the day in the office and talking to Bonnie. She hit the nail right smack on its head, may she help me change my ways.
• I am grateful for receiving my commission. It came at the most important time. It came when it was needed most.
• I am grateful for having visited AMWSLAI for if not, I would not have known the state of my BMM accounts
• I am grateful for attending Charlene's party and touching base with Roland. I hope it leads to very important sales for me.
• I am grateful for seeing Evie again, may she take out a policy from me.